What happens when I pay attention to politics

Is it just me, or is Dick Chaney like, 50 times more frightening in high def? Jesus Christ, if there was one person I would NOT want to take along with me as I did the handshaking, baby-kissing thing, it would be that man. I bet the boogie man scares his kids by telling them that there's a Dick Chaney hiding under beds and in closets just waiting to gobble up bad little boogie boys and girls.

Also, I would just like to say: Nancy Pelosi, thank you. Not only were you the perfect compliment to the gargoyle who stayed perched on the left side of the screen for much of the State of the Union, but, um, you've finally given horny young men every where a reason to watch this thing. Powerful women are SO hot. Well, except for Reno. I still have nightmares about her...

To make things more entertaining (and to keep me focused) I'll try to keep track of how many times Pelosi and Chaney blink. You know, just for shiggles.

But why, pretty lady were you looking like Bush's cheerleader? Jimminy, the way she applauded reminded me of when Grandma was still alive and would occasionally go into crazy clapping fits because she thought we had the clapper. We didn't. One of the kids would usually turn the lights on/off eventually cuz watching Grandma have a clapping seizure got kinda old, kinda quick.

Great shot of Hilary Clinton with her "I can't wait till I'm president and get my one free kill" look on her face. Meanwhile Senator Obama looked like he was nodding off. I bet he was thinking, "Damn, I was giving better speeches when I was three. This guy's president? For real? Damn."

Haha. Crazy talk about education. Of course he wants to leave the power in the hands of the communities and local schools. That way the government takes even less responsibility. Stupid partisanship. I wish we had NCLB when Bush was in school, then maybe he would have gotten some of those special services instead of his family having to buy his way out of school.

Dammit. I like the health insurance reform bit. I wonder who thought it up? Jeb, for the millionth time: George will NEVER learn if you keep doing his homework for him! Pelosi, seriously, calm the fuck down. No more caffeine before public appearances. Understood? Good.

Haha, Kerry just stood up. He had a "I lost to him??? I can't believe I lost to him" look on his face. Why does ABC feel the need to show people at the most awkward times? Do they pay a guy to just scan the crowd and say... "there! Right there! Oh, that's the one. (S)he looks really uncomfortable. Let's get em on TV." Um, I'm not 100% sure, but I think McCain just winked at me. Right back at you, soldier. You sexy, sexy man.

I don't even know who the silver haired fellow they just showed was. But I thought that it was pretty funny that even before he finished applauding he was already averting his attention to the pamphlet he had brought along.

I'm worried now. Chaney's smirking. Somewhere in America, a virgin has just been sacrificed.

Oh, here we go again with the terrorist talk. "To win the war on terror we must take the fight to the enemy." Hmmmm, now if we could just figure out where terror has been holed up all this time, we could REALLY sock it to The Enemy. Maybe we should put Justin Timberlake on this. Hell, the man brought sexy back. I'm sure he can pinpoint the location of "terror" and "the enemy" and we'll all be home in time for dinner. First you show us Janet's nipple and now this? God bless you, Justin Timberlake. God bless you.

Volunteer civilian reserve corps. Um... Thanks, but no thanks. This is one of those things that starts off great. You know, like paying to see a man or woman make love to a horse for a certain friend's 21st birthday. But 9 times out of 10, everyone starts to feel like, gee, maybe this ISN'T quite as great as we thought it would be when we drunkenly dreamed it up at 4AM AFTER splitting that 8 ball. So, ladies and gents, can we please not applaud this one? Please?

AFRICA! Big ups! AIDS, um... big downs? But on the plus side, a lot of people seem to look really, really good in red. And we have AIDS to thank for that. See. The old me would not have been quite this "look on the bright side"ish. The only thing that would have made this better was if Mutumbo actually went to the podium and gave a brief speech. Christ! Was I the only one who expected him to yell "Fe, Fi, Fo, Fum!" When he stood up and was about two feet taller than the Bushes? This is why I watch this stuff, people. Oh, and Mutumbo, the Bushes? Really? Seriously? Eh.

I guess this is the part where Dubya just gives shout outs to all his peeps before wrapping shit up. I thought it was pretty cool that Wesley Autry (a.k.a. subway hero guy, um, no not Jared... the OTHER subway hero guy) got invited and he got a huge applause. I thought it was even cooler that he started pointing out various people in the crowd like they were part of his posse and he had just won best new rap artist of the year. Comedy. High Comedy. State of the Union.

Oh, and for those of you who were curious (you know who you are) final blink tally: Pelosi 45,798; Chaney 2. How freaky was that? Yes, how freaky was that, indeed?