haiku # 39

I tried to think of
something GRAND to write. But my
pen had other plans.

sometimes i

sometimes i write
to right wrongs
to take me back to earlier times
that i know are long gone

sometimes i write
to wrong rights
take back some of the choices i made
just to simplify life

sometimes i write for life and liberty
and because i fear wasting everything
that life has given me

sometime i write for the pursuit of happiness
because though we never catch it
it's nice to believe in what it promises

sometimes i'm tired and i just write
to jot down glimses of life,
that shape my perspectives like
i'm in a cave and catch shadows off the glimpses of light

Happy Easter. But not really. and stuff.

I always get nostalgic around the holidays. It doesn't even matter what holiday we're talking about: Christmas, Easter, Yom Kippur, Saturnalia, Winter Solstice, whatever. It's like I can set my biological clock by them. Usually this isn't such a good thing, as it tends to make my depression worse, but due to the miracle of electro-shock and happy pills (god, I love me some happy pills, sigh) I'm pretty much back to my good ole homeostatic self. This lack of crazy, psychotic thoughts in my head tends to give me a little more free time to think thoughts. Usually thinking is a dangerous hobby, and today's topic of discussion (I use the term discussion loosely, as it's probably difficult to have a discussion between yourself and the voices in your head) is nostalgia. So I just sit back and let the nostalgia wash over me.

Today I got to thinking about relationships and friendships and what defines those two concepts. I always thought that when I was all growed up I would have these wonderful adult friendships like the ones on those 30 minute sitcoms where there's a core group of friends that I would go adventuring with and we'd make each other laugh when appropriate and hug it out when needed. I dunno. Maybe I'm just not grown up, but sadly my life has never been that way. At the rate I'm going, I'll never grow up, then I won't even have Wendy as a friend.

So, yeah... I guess the topic of friendship has been on my mind since we got back from the college trip. It's always been pretty easy for me to make a fool of myself and get people to laugh a little bit and say, "you know, I wouldn't mind kicking it with that guy for a while. Heck, maybe even a year or two. We'll see how long the Achan Train is running for before the shit gets totally derailed." See that's a relationship. i have plenty of relationships. Heck, I had a relationship with one of our waiters at dinner the other night. I don't think he's calling me up when he gets the news that his mom's battling breast cancer. So see... relationship, but not friendship.

I've been working on a theory, and this is based solely on observations from my life, and on no empirical data what so ever. So if you happen to be writing your final on The Effects of Stressers on Friendships and Relationships and this comes up when you google articles, remember: NOT A RELIABLE SOURCE! Well, unless you're last name is Piaget or something. But that's a great segue to my next little fluffy thought balloon.

Reliable sources. Those are your true friends. Any way, my theory is that at any given point in your life, you only have two people who are truly friends. That's right, two. I know. Fucking hard to believe, right? But since it's my study/observation, what the fuck are YOU gonna do about it. That's what I thought.

So yeah a friendship means you show up at that person's door at 3AM covered in blood and the first thing they say is, "where's the body? I'll help you get rid of it." See, THAT'S a friendship. Anyway, I sometimes verbalize my feeling of not having "friends" and people (though, not my friends) look at me like I'm a raving looney bird.

"But Achan," they say, "you know people!" Yeah, I also know algebra, but is algebra my friend? I think NOT! And that's how it goes with friendships. You meet someone and you start a relationship and that morphs into a friendship and it's all good for a year, or two, or three, or whatever, and then back to a relationship. In my final write up I'll be sure to include the bell curve that fully illustrates this concept. After all, I know how much people like illustration. Heck, you get to know an illustration long enough and eventually it'll become your friend.

This being Easter and all, I guess I'll take a few minutes to tie the holiday into my random madness, observations. So. You think Jesus considered the Apostles friends? I bet at one point he did. You see, this fits perfectly in with my theory (and the bell curve, which I just realized would be an oscillating wave, but fuck it.)

So, for like 30 years J.C. is just going around, he's on chill mode, you know hanging out, learning. And then one day he's like, "yo, you wanna join my club?" So he gathers up a rag tag bunch of individuals who at first are just his road dogs and they form relationships. Then that bond shifts and solidifies and friendships are formed and every one's like, "dude, I would DEFINITELY die for my man J.C." and you know, they actually mean it. But then we hit that downward slope and all of a sudden you find yourself betrayed, no body's got your back, and the next thing you know, you're literally hanging out on a giant kite frame with a couple of losers taking shots at you. So, it's been a while since I've done the whole Catholic religious thing, but that's pretty much how I remember it.

Anyway, my point is, if that was Jesus' experience with relationships and friendships, how do I even stand a chance? So, yeah. Happy Easter everyone, take that home and chew on it when you run out of Jelly Beans.

Apparently it's rude to call people "white"

So, one of the things I missed out on was growing up in the 60s and 70s. Sure, I know what you're thinking: "What? You're upset because you missed out on the beatings and threats???" I know, right. I mean who wouldn't be upset about that. But I also missed out on the free love and um, recreational experiences. But most of all, I missed out on calling The Man "Whitey". Sure, I could do it now, but these days it just doesn't mean the same. I mean, heck, some of my best friends are NAMED Whitey for pete's sake. It just doesn't have the same ring to it. I don't think many people would bat an eye these days if you referred to a random caucasion individual as "whitey"

But little did I know that is is unPC to call some one "white". Well, at least that's the prevailing thought amongst Philadelphia youth. Even the failry intelligent ones. I've heard stories of the whole white disrespect thing, but only recently got to see it in action. It's sort of like the giant squid. Sure, you and your buddies sit around and tell stories about it, but until you land one yourself, it's just a bunch of hooey. Yeah, I said it: hooey.

As we're sitting for our last dinner with the kids on the Great HBCU Tour of '07 everyone was passing around digital cameras and sharing all the fond memories that were captured throughout the week. If only Kodak could come up with a way to capture staying up till 2 AM to ensure that all the kiddies remianed celibate. But I'm pretty sure Hallmark has a card for that, so it's all good. But I digress. A group of young men were going through my pics, nee, flicks (or flickety-flicks, but only if you're cool like that) and marveling at my picture taking skillz. They soon finished with the tour pics and went through the Chrismas pictures, asking me 101 questions about my family along the way. Then they got to a few pictures and before asking any questions there was a brief huddle. This sort of worried me. Usually when young adults huddle like that it means only one of two things. I have forgotten what those two things are, but trust me, they ain't good.

After their mini conference, one of the guys (who I can only assume had won some kind of election during the huddle and was not representing the group) asked me, "Mr. F, who's the light skinned lady in the pictures?" I thought for a few seconds, and since I don't know any "light skinned ladies" told them that my sisters aren't light skinned and I had no idea about who they were talking about.

There was another mini conference and Fearless leader came back to me. "We mean, who's the really light skinned lady in the picture?" Now I'm starting to think that I'm the crazy one. I mean, I would remember taking pictures of my really light skinned lady friend right? I mean, I've been tired lately, but I usually do a good job remember the people in my life. Especially if I'm taking picture of them. One of the kids must have seen my quickly increasing fears that I had developed early onset Alzhiemer's. This student of above average intelligence finally bursts out, "Mr. F, we not trying to be rude, but who's the... white girl?"

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"See we knew you were gonna get mad if we called her white," someone said to me. I started to laugh and the look of coyness on the students' faces was quickly replaced by confusion.

"Guys, she IS white. What's the big deal?" I asked.

"See, I told y'all," someone said. "I was gonna ask you who the white girl was but everyone else said that would be rude. So we just called her light skinned."

"Light skinned, though?" I asked, some what amused for what passed for light skinned these days and thinking that it would have been REALLY hard to pass way back in the day if those were the standards.

"Well, technically, I guess she's really, really, really, really light skinned." And then, dinner was served.