New Cell Phone Rings

So, we're just chillin' in the office when Konrad's new phone begans to ring. Not such a big deal as there are no kids around and we're all just pretending to work anyway. I mean, it's the end of the year for Pete's sakes. What, you want us to EARN our paychecks? Ha! I think not. Besides, it ain't like we do a lot of work anyway. I'm just kidding. We work like African immigrants fresh off the boat. Anyway, apparently Konrad doesn't know how to do anything with his new phone so we all have to be subjected to crazy random rings.

That's when I get my Great Idea. Yeah, it's such a fantabulous idea that it gets it's own name. My Great Idea. It's like family or something. "You know what?" I ask the room. After about thirty seconds of random guessing (it was sort of a rhetorical question, be tee double you) I unleash my Great Idea upon the rest of the 3-1-2.

"I'm gonna invent a cell phone ring that's just a person sneezing or coughing. That way instead of people getting pissed and telling you to shut it the fuck off, all they're gonna do is look at you and say 'God bless you.'" We took a quick vote and decided that this was, in fact, a Great Idea. I had even made plans to tender my resignation so I could devote all of my free time to making this happen. Little did I know that my hopes and dreams would gonna come crashing down harder than a meth addicted mom at the Betty Ford Center. That analagy made WAY more sense in my head than it did once I actually got it out of my head.

"Check this out," Konrad says to no one in particular. He then proceeds to play what sounds like a cross between a baby great white shark choking on a smaller, less menacing animal and a chainsaw. It turns out somebody already invented the cough/sneeze ringtone. I mean, they already invented it if you happen to sound like a 107 year old woman with emphasima when you cough. Which I don't. But if grandma's looking for an inconspicuous ringtone for her telegraph machine. Well, it's out there. Anyway, good thing I didn't resign. I guess I'll just keep teaching till a stroke of genius comes along. Or till a stroke comes along... whichever comes first.

I'm a raving idiot... no, really.

So. Here I am. Lazing around on my couch, pretending to work on the IEP that’s been open for the past hour or so. Maybe if I tell myself “I’ve been working hard” enough times I will believe it. But really, does that work with anything other than “I’msopretty, I’msopretty, I’msopretty”? Probably not. Though, it never hurts to try. I guess all I’ve really been doing for the past hour is admiring the bargain curtains that I put up, which look simply SMASHING hanging from the faux brass shower rods in my living room. The Taj Mahal ain’t got shit on me!

Aren’t girls great? Whoa, where’d that come from? One minute you’re staring at drapes, the next minute you’re thinking about girls. One would think that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but since I’m doing the thinking and not this One fella, I guess it doesn’t matter what One thinks. Anyway I like girls. I like drapes. They both make me horny and um, I guess they both turn a house into a home. Yeah. Drapes and girls, they go together like Fox News and unbiased reporting. Back to my earlier statement: aren’t girls great? Well, ok. Let’s amend that: some girls are great. Some girls are great at making life suck. Those girls aren’t great. Then again, maybe you’re, like, some tortured Goth teen in such for the perfect girl to make your life suck. In which case, those girls are great too. So I guess it’s unanimous: girls are great.

Jeezus Christ on a popsicle stick. What the hell am I talking about? I guess I really don’t want to write this IEP. Maybe I should say something coherent before I wrap this up. In keeping my streak of most-consecutive-months-as-the-world’s-coolest-person in tact, I decided to watch the national spelling bee last Thursday. Aside from learning there’s some strange sect that manages to produce bigger and bigger dorks each year, and that spelling bee parents are only slightly less crazy than pre-teen beauty pageant parents (by the way, you know what would be the best reality show ever? If we filmed the parents of a bunch of beauty pageant contestants and the parents of a bunch of spelling be contestants and made the audience guess who was who. I mean, wouldn’t that be at least as entertaining as the show about the 5th graders? See, this is why I should move to Cali… but I digress). The other thing I learned is what is quickly becoming my new favorite word: kakistocracy. Kakistocracy – n – government by the worst persons; a form of government in which the worst persons are in power. Has this word been around forever? Why am I only hearing about it now? Personally, I blame the public school system. I think I’m going to call it a night. With all these crazy thoughts in my head I’ll probably dream of a great girl or an inept government. Either way, it promises to be entertaining.