I smell like shit, but that's ok.

Anyway.

I got up this morning and went on my morning constitutional. Now, for most people “morning constitutional” means the little bit of walking-slash-exercise they squeeze into their waking hours to fool themselves that they are promoting good health. My morning constitutional, however, consists of me walking over to my bathroom and squeezing some thing out of my bum. Taking a twosies. Dropping a deuce… Bombs over Baghdad. Depositing a Mr. Hanky and what not.

Where am I going with this? Excellent question. In my bathroom I keep a can of air freshener, it’s vanilla, I think. Aerosol. It makes my bathroom smell like, um… vanilla, while causing minute damage to the ozone layer, so I guess win-win situation, huh? But I’ve had this thing for, like, four years. Literally four years. I’m not even shitting you. I’ve had this one can of air freshener (which by the way kills me. They call it “air freshener” but does it really freshen the air? I think not. They should just call it shit odor mixer upper, because, let’s face it, all it does is mix whatever smell comes out of the bottle with the smell of shit. They should have fragrances like Lilac and Pooh or Cinnamon Poop or Fill-in-the-blank-and-ass. I have never in all my lives gone into a bathroom after someone had two’d it up and then used half a bottle of air freshener and just inhaled deeply thinking, “wow, this place smells great! The canned air really disguises the fact that someone just took a massive DUMP in here.” Nope, never happened. Probably not once in the history of poopdom). I think I’m going to name my vanilla shit cover upper. Might as well, I’ve had it longer than I’ve had some friends. Hell, I’ve had it longer than Britney Spears has had custody of her kids, and they let her name them, right?

Why do single people even have air freshener? Since when did that make sense? Like, I don’t sit around my apartment after using the bathroom thinking, “geez, what the hell is that smell? I smell really bad… I should cover that up, or maybe mix it in with fresh jasmine or some other nice smelling flower…” It just doesn’t happen. Hell, I could take a bath in my own pooh and then sit around all day and not mind, and you know why? Because it’s my pooh and dammit,I love myself… especially late at night… when I’m lonely. But I digress.

If it were up to me I’d just say fuck it, let the whole world know about my lovely poopie creation. I guess most of society doesn’t share the same outlook as I do on this subject. Four years. At this rate I’m thinking of buying little miniature air fresheners and starting up a family, but every time I go to the store to pick them up, I just get the feeling that my vanilla doesn’t want to raise a family in the city and would much rather prefer to wait until it had a house in the burbs where it could raise a family. Some place with a nice school and maybe a scout troop for the little ones. Definitely a good public library. That damn aerosol can and his aerosol family are gonna be living la vida dulce while I’m stuck here in the city. You know what? Never mind. Fuck my aerosol can’s happiness.

Just as an aside, there was a fairly interesting introduction to the original post, but I’m apparently being censored by Big Sister. She’s watching me right now. Probably making sure I don’t reference anyone as a douche.